You are currently browsing the category archive for the 'Rantings' category.
So life has been rad lately. It’s finally spring, work is pretty good (::knock on wood::) and things are moving right along. Unfortunately I’ve racked up some minor credit card debt due to the unforeseen dying of my car (a rat/mouse/squirrel had made a nest in the engine and eaten through the wiring harness!) but I’ve got a plan to hack through it. It’s the first time in my life that I’ll have to let the balance roll over from one month to the next…that makes me kind of sick-at-heart. I try to use my credit card like a cash-substitute, only spending money I know I have so that interest won’t build up. Technically I have enough in my savings right now that I could pay this off all at once, but that would pretty much wipe out my savings and that’s not an option in my mind. So, I have to suck it up and deal with my debts head-on. I shouldn’t beat myself up about it: it was money spent in an emergency situation, not some crazy infomercial shopping-spree or other craziness. I know it’s not entirely my fault, but it’s also not my fave.
In other news, the band is still stop-and-go. I’ve decided to record a few more demos this evening to try and hash out what I really want from the project, as far as sound goes. It’s just really frustrating. I’ve never really found anyone to collaborate with who inspires me to reach new musical heights (no offense to all the talented musicians I’ve worked with in the past! I love you all). Usually I wind up just resigning myself to arrange all the parts myself and teach other people how to play them. Honestly, it’s not very rewarding and it tends to fall flat because there’s no outsiders’ perspectives. I guess I’m just wishing for people who had the incentive/drive/lack-of-other-things-to-do to take time and make my original songs their own in some way. Pretty much everyone I’ve worked with before has said, “That song is great! What do you want me to do?” I miss Josh. He and I collaborated well together, we had some good chi or something. Damn it, Texas! Be closer to Maryland!
I’m not giving up hope on this. I refuse to. Just frustrated, as I have been for the past year or so. Now that I’m not in school anymore, it’s hard to find musicians, and I don’t want to settle on someone who doesn’t have the qualities I want just because they happen to play an instrument I’d like in the band and volunteered.
Whatever. Time to stop bitching and go make some music. Maybe I’ll figure out more of what I’m looking for.
So, tonight I was tooling around on YouTube. I love to do this. I got on ye Olde YouTube with the intention of dorking out to my favorite Korg Polysix demo (shut up, you love my nerdiness!), but the “Recommended for You” section offered a brief interview with Jason Bateman and Michael Cera together! “Sweet,” I thought, “I like those guys!”
Friends, how I wish I hadn’t looked upon what I saw.
The Interviewer was an “Access Hollywood’ type, and whatever, that jackassery is to be expected. But the interactions between Michael and Jason seemed really forced and awkward and I kind of hated it. But I only kind of hated it at that point, it was sort of confusing and I was soon distracted by the Interviewer saying, “So there’s a clip of you getting fired from the movie Knocked Up floating around; that must have been really embarrassing for you when that leaked.” Huh? Say what? That’s not something I’d heard of before…how strange. ”Well…it’s not that embarrassing,” replies Michael, “because I still think I was in the right.”
And then, Friends, I did what I know now was an unspeakably stupid act. I sought the clip on YouTube.
Yes, it was an ugly and bitter battle between director and actor. Katherine Heigl looked stunned the entire time, and the clip ends with her exclaiming, “Shit!” No one (save the extras and crew members) went unscathed. Oh, but the true horrors had only just begun. This clip was followed up with some informal footage/interviews shot by a crewmember of Superbad. The person who posted these clips wrote, “This is a great prank where everybody pretends to hate Michael Cera. I think it’s a prank. It has to be, I love Michael Cera! lol hilarious!”
Okay, listen: this footage? OBVIOUSLY NOT A PRANK. THIS IS 5 STRAIGHT MINUTES OF AWKWARD TENSION AND PEOPLE OUTRIGHT HATING MICHAEL CERA TO HIS FACE. You know that annoying person you work with/go to school with who is utterly neurotic and tries waaaay too hard to be everyone’s friend? And when that fails they go to the other extreme and act like they’re way too cool for everyone?
Yep. That would be Michael Cera. Several people tell him to fuck off. Several more use the phrase, “Don’t f**king touch me” (because apparently MC does not understand the concept of personal space), and one girl really, royally flips out on him in the worst possible way. One of the producers loathes him so much that she refuses to talk about him save to mention the fact that she will never work with him again.
As someone who loves both “Arrested Development” and (especially) Juno, I was really upset by all of this. A little heartbroken I would even say. I felt a little bit nauseous and like I needed a hug real bad. I decided to watch some interviews with Ellen Page, just hoping and praying there would be some lightness. Happily, I did find one interview where Ellen and Diablo Cody (screenwriter of Juno) have some really nice things to say about Michael. Maybe he was just awkward and immature during the Superbad/Knocked Up business. Maybe his working relationship with Judd Apatow was just so toxic that it ruined Cera’s relationship with the rest of the cast. I don’t know. I guess I shouldn’t speculate or make excuses. I still love Juno and AD, and will certainly continue to watch them, but the kind words from the lovely Juno ladies were kind of too little, too late. The metaphoric acid wash of the previous video was all over my mouth, jeans, and heart.
I did the only thing a girl can do.
I watched clips from “Flight of the Conchords” and snuggled kitties until the queasy-ness subsided.
Still waitin’ on that hug, though.
Other than that, life’s been really great! (::knock on wood::) I’m going to be marching in the NYC St. Patrick’s Day Parade on Tuesday with my brother Dan’s Pipe & Drum band (IBEW Local 164). If you watch the parade on TV, look for me! I’ll be striding down 5th Avenue…
Laters!
So today I found out that someone I went to high school with was shot and killed by police. This fact left me reeling, since Jake was one of the most laid-back and friendly people in my graduating class. This is someone I have gone to school with since I was five years old (and since our class only had 141 people in it, you can probably gather the degree of closeness we all shared after thirteen years together). Now, it’s no secret that Metuchen has its drug problems. And I was always reasonably sure in high school that Jake dallied in these practices, although I would not have thought him to be into anything hardcore (such as the heroin or coke that pervade so many of our tragedies in M-town). I’d also like to point out that this kid never even got in a fistfight at school all the years I knew him.
Granted, it’s been almost six years since we graduated. Probably about four or five since I last saw/talked to Jake. A lot could have happened in that time. According to local news reports, Jake got involved in a car chase, rammed his Jeep into a police cruiser repeatedly, and then brandished a knife at the two officers before being shot several times.
This does not make sense to me. That is not the behavior of the Jake Olson I know.
Another member of our graduating class was the E.M.T. who arrived at the scene and had to attempt to save Jake’s life.
But you know what makes less sense to me? The fact that the news article is attached to an endless stream of comments by ignorant troglodytes who have nothing better to do than make fucking cops-eat-donut jokes and say things like, “GOOD JOB OFFICERS! ANOTHER PIECE OF DIRT BITES THE DUST! I WOULDVE PUT ONE BETWEEN HIS EYES”
What the fuck.
First of all, what the hell sort of self-respecting news source has an open comment forum on the same goddamn page as a story like this? Family members and friends looking for more information on these tragic events get led to this site and can’t avoid seeing this rally of unrestrained cruelty. Seriously, the first two comments are right there: you don’t even have to scroll down to see them. You finish reading the article, and there they are. This couldn’t be hidden behind a link, reading optional?
Furthermore, what in God’s name is wrong with you people? You honestly have absolutely nothing better to do with your life than sit around and spew venomous insults at someone who died violently?! Get the fuck out of your mom’s basement, stop playing Madden ‘97 and go talk to some other human beings. Oh, right, I realize now that this is probably impossible for you, since most people’s intelligence quotients are high enough that they don’t want to deal with an ignoramus such as yourself. My mistake.
Now I do understand that for people outside of the personal frame of reference, this may seem like some two-bit criminal with a death-wish lashed out at several civil servicemen and got what he deserved. Even if that is the case (and information such as autopsy results, etc. are still pending), that criminal was a human being. With a mother, father, older sister, and friends. Those people are still alive. They’ve committed no wrongs against you. Consider the magnitude of their trauma and their grief before you go ranting and raving about how putting a boot in yer ass is the American way.
Finally, I don’t appreciate being stigmatized as a “bleeding heart liberal” for asking for a little common courtesy for someone I cared about while he was alive. Even though the few forum comments I was unfortunate enough to read were not directed at me specifically (since I don’t post on that forum), I take offense nonetheless. Some people are really disgusting.
::endrant::
Always blogging on an empty stomach. If anyone who wasn’t my friend ever read this blog, they’d probably think I weighed 400 pounds, the way I’m always talking about food. But once, again, I’m hungry. So I’ll make this short.
Last night was the KG/MC Lars/MC Frontalot show at the Ottobar. I gave my experimental cookies to old and new friends and they were a hit. (Some people even ate TWO!) KG played a really fun set, which was just the tiniest bit bitter-sweet since it’s the last time they’ll play in the area for a few months. Now I’m faced with a conundrum: do I start going to other local shows, knowing it probably won’t be as good or fun, or do I finish one of my ten half-finished hobbies instead? Or both? To be determined.
However, it was a night of unpleasant odors. There was a kid near me all through the KG set that smelled HORRIBLE. Like BO mixed with the crotch of a dead person. I am not exaggerating. AT ALL. Anyway, this Odiferous Ollie kept creeping closer and closer to me throughout the whole dance party, to the point where I couldn’t see Aaron and could hardly breathe (luckily that was pretty much the last song). I didn’t want to move because if I did I could no longer see Mandy-Pants. But I lived to tell the tale, that’s what matters.
Then it was a Mario Karty (yeah that’s right, I mashed up Kart and Party!) with Aaron and Marty! Oh the fun times. Our nerdiness even got a shoutout from some white rappers. I accidentally walked into the men’s room (AWKWARD) and then had my second dose of unpleasant odor happenings: someone in the bathroom had food poisoning or a tapeworm* or something. As soon as I entered the adjacent stall, I was wishing I had a WWI-issue gas mask. It was, in a word, brutal. And to make matters worse, I kept thinking I smelled whiffs of “Eau du Toilette” (a.k.a. poo) all evening, so I’m pretty sure it followed me out. UGH.
But I did get the chance to have some beers with Mandy and Greg, eat some rock-hard frozen chocolate bars, eat Chipotle, and laugh at the insane length of the white rappers’ sets and the large-and-in-charge female grinding the stair bannister and having fake orgasms. (Because at that point, really what could we do but laugh?) All in all, I call it an evening well-spent.
I’ve decided to make this the ultimate in lazy day-ery since the weather is crummy and I “partied like a rockstar” last night. This means almost everything I do today will be done from bed.** Yay! Embrace the inner slug!
*Tapeworms do not actually give you diarrhea.
**Obviously, if I decide to shower I will have to go to the bathroom for that.
I’m totally in a rut.
Pretty sure it’s the result of being stuck in the house all the time, but it’s aggravating just the same. There’s a hundred things I could do, but I find myself succumbing to the lifestyle of a slug. Actually, that might be an insult to slugs. I mean at least they roam around putting goo on things and having hermaphroditic sex and eating people’s plants. I just waste time on the Internet or tinkering around on my various keyboards (without actually writing or recording anything, mind you) and yesterday I read Interview With The Vampire almost in its entirety. I feel like I should be doing things, finishing half-done projects and tying up loose ends and calling up friends I haven’t talked to in forever.
But instead I just sit.
It’s an ugly rutting rut.
So I’m sorry that I haven’t been blogging much. (I’ve thought about it almost everyday, but then I would rather take a nap or look at grainy YouTube footage of keyboards I want.) I’m still alive. Resigned from Baltimore County Public Schools so I can concentrate on getting healthy and figuring out where I want to go with my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that I jumped into career-dom a little too fast; like so many things, it seemed like what I wanted at the time, and it looked really great on paper. Don’t get me wrong: I love my students, and I loved teaching. But I chose a really difficult school to teach at from an administrative standpoint (basically, everyone is in over their heads and freaking out half the time), and I had no way of knowing just how terribly overwhelming that would be until I became mired in it.
Public schools right now: not where I really want to be. The government is in your classroom all the time and everyone (including the students) is so focused on the almighty State Testing that it’s tough to actually teach the content. So I will likely shy away from that and explore either private or online schools. The pay-cut will be substantial, but ultimately it’s a better situation for now. I hope things will change in the future, but at this moment that’s what I feel is right for me to do.
Additionally, I can’t get better physically while stuck in the limbo of “Will I or Won’t I Go Back.” That question is full of immense pressure and disappointment. With the endless cacophony of pros and cons swirling around in my head, it’s nearly impossible to concentrate on the present and the most important task in front of me right now, which is simply Get Better. My department chair has been a little less than understanding/sympathetic about this. I’m trying to bear in mind that she’s overwhelmed and that this makes her life difficult, but it’s hard not to get mad when she starts throwing out phrases such as “professional responsibility.”
Would you like to see unprofessional, lady? Would you like a taste of something irresponsible?! Because I am sick and cranky and I have had just about enough of giving all of myself away for you so you can take your “professional responsibility” and shove it.
(Figured I’d get that out here, so it won’t come out elsewhere. (O; )
So anyway, I’ve got some more doctor’s visits scheduled and hopefully pretty soon I can start leaving the house by myself and walking around and maybe even (dare I say it!) driving places!! But I’m trying not to get my hopes up.
Apologies for the whiny nature of this post. I’m a grump today.
xoxo
I’m totally in a rut.
Pretty sure it’s the result of being stuck in the house all the time, but it’s aggravating just the same. There’s a hundred things I could do, but I find myself succumbing to the lifestyle of a slug. Actually, that might be an insult to slugs. I mean at least they roam around putting goo on things and having hermaphroditic sex and eating people’s plants. I just waste time on the Internet or tinkering around on my various keyboards (without actually writing or recording anything, mind you) and yesterday I read Interview With The Vampire almost in its entirety. I feel like I should be doing things, finishing half-done projects and tying up loose ends and calling up friends I haven’t talked to in forever.
But instead I just sit.
It’s an ugly rutting rut.
So I’m sorry that I haven’t been blogging much. (I’ve thought about it almost everyday, but then I would rather take a nap or look at grainy YouTube footage of keyboards I want.) I’m still alive. Resigned from Baltimore County Public Schools so I can concentrate on getting healthy and figuring out where I want to go with my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that I jumped into career-dom a little too fast; like so many things, it seemed like what I wanted at the time, and it looked really great on paper. Don’t get me wrong: I love my students, and I loved teaching. But I chose a really difficult school to teach at from an administrative standpoint (basically, everyone is in over their heads and freaking out half the time), and I had no way of knowing just how terribly overwhelming that would be until I became mired in it.
Public schools right now: not where I really want to be. The government is in your classroom all the time and everyone (including the students) is so focused on the almighty State Testing that it’s tough to actually teach the content. So I will likely shy away from that and explore either private or online schools. The pay-cut will be substantial, but ultimately it’s a better situation for now. I hope things will change in the future, but at this moment that’s what I feel is right for me to do.
Additionally, I can’t get better physically while stuck in the limbo of “Will I or Won’t I Go Back.” That question is full of immense pressure and disappointment. With the endless cacophony of pros and cons swirling around in my head, it’s nearly impossible to concentrate on the present and the most important task in front of me right now, which is simply Get Better. My department chair has been a little less than understanding/sympathetic about this. I’m trying to bear in mind that she’s overwhelmed and that this makes her life difficult, but it’s hard not to get mad when she starts throwing out phrases such as “professional responsibility.”
Would you like to see unprofessional, lady? Would you like a taste of something irresponsible?! Because I am sick and cranky and I have had just about enough of giving all of myself away for you so you can take your “professional responsibility” and shove it.
(Figured I’d get that out here, so it won’t come out elsewhere. (O; )
So anyway, I’ve got some more doctor’s visits scheduled and hopefully pretty soon I can start leaving the house by myself and walking around and maybe even (dare I say it!) driving places!! But I’m trying not to get my hopes up.
Apologies for the whiny nature of this post. I’m a grump today.
xoxo
It’s been a weird week. Spent the better part of three days in the hospital after two fainting spells. I’m apparently really healthy. As in, they didn’t find anything wrong!! Which is both really great, because who wants something to be wrong with them, but also really frustrating since I spent lots of hours getting jabbed with needles and sent through big machines and there’s still no quantifiable reason why my body just decided to pass out for a while.
The sad part is, it was so much better than going to work. I really hate my job. There are days when I like it, and times when I love my students, but for the most part I really hate the idea of going to that place for eight or more hours everyday. I dread it in the morning, I dread it while I’m there, I dread going back once I finally get to come home. I’m just always on edge, nothing ever seems to be enough (for the administration or the students or the parents) and it really bums me out. I was so looking forward to being a teacher for about ten years there. I still think there might be hope if the school was better, or maybe in a private school where they’ve never even heard of the frigging HSA…I find myself, sadly, a little more attracted to the idea of sticking to the curriculum guide and “giving them what they want” and collecting my paycheck every other Friday. Maybe this is why I’m having mysterious health problems. (Although the ten different doctors I saw over the past few days said that was inconclusive.)
I kind of just keep thinking, “Why did I do this to myself? And how the hell do I get myself out?!” I don’t really want to quit, because you know I would have no job and I would be breaking my contract and all that mess. But the thought of going there each day is so damn depressing. It even casts an ugly shadow over the weekends. And as much as I appreciate all of the encouragement and support I get from loved ones telling me, “It will get better! You can do it!!” (and I really do!) it’s hard for my embittered heart to accept these sentiments from people who have absolutely no idea what it’s like to walk into Hell everyday, plaster a smile on your face, and try to teach biology while everyone from your boss’s boss to your students is trying to get in your way.
I just keep thinking that I should have made more of an effort at music or acting or something I love and am good at. On the other hand, I love the crap out of biology, and I like to think I’m good at it. But I’m really tired of crying and feeling nauseous and angry, too. It’s very discouraging to realize that it’s only October and you have to fight your way through to June 18th. I imagine myself quitting everyday. I should have taken more time off between school and my career. Or maybe I took too much time and lost my momentum. I have no idea what I’m doing or where I should be going with my life.
Maybe I should go to church more. (Like, at all.)
My chest hurts. I’m cranky. It’s raining. BOO. At least it’s Halloween soon. I LOVE Halloween. And I have a really great life, outside of school/work. (Don’t even get me started about Towson, that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.) Right now it’s just hard to see the light sometimes.
Sorry for the lengthy rant. Just had to get it out I s’pose.
xo
How is it that the long weekend feels way too short?
I don’t wanna!!!
::pout::
Ugh. Longest five weeks of my life, culminating with the apex of long, exhausting, upsetting days.
Firstly, professional development is bullshit. Lots of people talk about “We need to have all of our arrows pointing in the same direction” and “We need to raise student achievement” and “Discipline precedes learning” but no one actually tells you what the hell your policies are for things like grading and what the consequences are for disciplinary infractions and it just feels more and more like a big act. WHAT THE HELL IS THE PLAN, PEOPLE. It’s like the Union Representative at our induction who handed me a sheet of paper with four bullets on it explaining me why I want to be a Union member. When I dared to inquire further as to the benefits and services of the Union, I got a very snooty “Well it’s all right there on the sheet!” Four bullets. One thin sheet of Xerox paper. Welcome to the wonderful world of public schools in a district that covers 599 square miles of land and over a hundred schools. Bureaucratic like whoa.
Then, after planning out the first five days of classes, I come to find out (two days before school starts, mind you) that a set of objectives and assessments has been pre-written for the first two weeks of school. And let me tell you, it’s boring people. The first day of school, I would like to engage my students with something interesting like, oh I don’t know, maybe why biology is relevant to your life and some exciting ways it’s used by everyone everyday. Maybe a fun group activity that helps students explore and evaluate what actually makes something “alive.”
Oh but wait!! The powers that be have a better plan! LET’S TALK ABOUT CONVERTING MEASUREMENTS TO THE METRIC SYSTEM!!! That way we can bore the kids to tears and maybe they’ll never come back! Wouldn’t that be instructive and exhilarating?!
I know I can’t control this, and that I need to just surrender and lay low until the dust settles and I can devise my own crafty ways to teach the kids what they need to know in a way that won’t make them want to hang themselves. But damn man, I want so much better for them! This is why students hate school.
To relate this to my original tangent about professional development, I have now had an entire graduate course and three professional development sessions on how to differentiate your lessons for diverse learners. How to make learning interesting and fun. But now I see that all was a waste of time and money, because I won’t actually be allowed to implement anything I’ve learned. Just follow that curriculum guide! Don’t take any risks and please don’t ask anyone to think about anything.
No wonder there are 800 new teachers in Baltimore county this year. If it weren’t for the paychecks and the practically free education, I’d strongly consider growing a dick so I could tell a few people in Baltimore County to suck it.
Okay, okay. Maybe that was vulgar and uncalled for. I’m sorry. This too shall pass, and I’ll find my way through and around all this nonsense, but in the meantime I just had to get all of that out somewhere. And I know that the people around me (mostly) have really good intentions and are just trying to be helpful and do the best job they can. We’re all in the same boat up Shit’s Creek, trying to scrape together enough money to buy our own damn paddles because there isn’t enough funding to have them provided for us.
::sigh::
Things I liked:
-Aaron and I both got rings that are too big for us.
-Visiting with my parents was amazing, we ate lots of delicious food, swam in the hotel pool, and played card/board games.
-Mandy got me some fun birthday presents, including a metal squirrel named Oliver!
-Went for a nice walk with Mom and Dad in Patapsco State Park.
-Had a really heartfelt and inspiring conversation with Jillian about teaching, as well as some hilarious storytelling (I LOVE that girl!)
Things I didn’t like:
-Saying goodbye to my parents (always the worst)
-Aaron not being home to distract/console me after said goodbyes
-Feeling nervous about work tomorrow
-Not being sleepy at all even though I have to wake up at six a.m.
-The house feeling too empty and quiet, even with all of the fans on and kitties sleeping everywhere.
I’m terrible at goodbyes. They always make me feel so lonely. Also, even though the students won’t be there tomorrow, first days of jobs are always really nerve-wracking. I’m all a-twitter.
TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT!! I’m sort of on overload…
