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So I’ve been a little overwhelmed lately. In typical Amy fashion, I have managed to overextend myself. The weeks leading up to and also following Christmas have been nothing short of bombastic. First I was crafting my ass off, getting ready for holiday presents and selling things on weekends. Then I was getting ready for the Learnimals website, phone number and first two performances (which, by the way, went great! No calls/emails yet, but it has only been two days…) and then yesterday and today doing shows for work that were either brand new or somewhat unfamiliar. Also, back in December when work was slow, I agreed to help my friend Felicia – who recently accepted a supervisory role at work – with a new citizen science project she’s working on. Back then it seemed like a great idea; now that reality is here, I have two-show days nearly every day this week and next. Luckily, I was only “on call” for this weekend, hoping I wouldn’t be stuck with a six- or seven-day work week.
I think you can see where this is going.
Yup, working Saturday. Maybe if nobody’s house burns down, car breaks down, the stars align perfectly, and I can manage to say “NO” to anyone who might want or need anything, this Sunday I might just have a day of total rest.
Maybe.
Did I mention it also looks like I’m helping my friends move soon?
It’s at Times Like These, my friends, that there is only one thing to do:
To the piano!
Tonight’s showing? That Sinking Feeling: “Four bored and unemployed teens living in rainy Glasgow attempt to liven up their lives and make a lot of money after one of them plans a series of heists involving stainless steel sinks, dressing up as girls, and a stop-motion potion.” And don’t forget the bellbottoms and awkwardly grown-out shag haircuts!!
My favorite thing about this film? The disclaimer in the beginning: This film takes place in the fictional city of Glasgow. Any resemblance to the actual city of Glasgow is completely coincidental. Yeah, except that this was OBVIOUSLY filmed in the actual city of Glasgow. I don’t think that actually qualifies the similarities as “coincidence.”
And no, I don’t know what a stop-motion potion is. I do know that the principals in this movie do a lot of shady dealings with elementary school students. I also know that this movie would be a lot (and I mean a LOT) more entertaining if the soundtrack was comprised of the 70′s punk these kids might have actually listened to rather than the awful, smooth-jazz quality electric piano/bass combo that is swarthily accompanying these scene changes. It’s like they just ripped stock music from Moonlighting, perhaps a whole three measures, and eeked it in wherever there was an awkward silence. Also, although these kids are speaking English, their lips are plainly not lining up with the words they’re saying. It’s like the worst Godzilla movie ever. Godzilla vs. The Ganglemeisters!!
Time to listen to the classical station. WBJZ, save our souls!!
So I’ve come to learn in the past year that there’s two things I can count on in life:
1. When I get sick, I can expect my car to get sick also.
2. When my car gets sick, I can expect to get sick also.
About two weeks ago, Aaron came home carting the most recent Carma’s Crud. It was bad. For Aaron to call out of work, it’s bad. So we were all sickly together for a couple of days, and then it got better…kinda. There was still some bastardly congestion that wouldn’t break up, and a hacking cough that just wouldn’t quit, and just when I was feeling this sexy and chipper, my car wouldn’t start. There was some craziness with trying to start it unsuccessfully (obviously), and then calling AAA and waiting for them for an hour-and-a-half, and then the tow truck laughing at me and saying that there was no way he’d make it down our driveway because it’s in such bad shape. It was awesome. So he jimmy-jacked my car to get it to at least start, and it belched out a bunch of smoke but we got it to the shop in Glen Burnie. Basically it needed a major tune-up, so it could have been a lot worse (like last time when a rodent had eaten through the entire wire casing).
So the car is ::knockonwood:: better, but I have been feeling progressively worse. After being sealed up in a van with my increasingly-sick boss all of Thursday, the second landfall kicked me in the teeth Friday night. Ohhhh the thrill of a fever and chills and the all-over aching twice in 8 days was just indescribable! Saturday morning I tried to go to the UrgentCare, but was about a half-hour too late in my plans/ability to raise my head off the pillow. So waited until this morning, we did.
Let’s preface this by saying this turned into a three-hour trip to the doctor’s office.
There was a sign on the door on the way in.
The sign sayeth: “If you are experiencing flu-like symptoms, please inform our staff at the front desk immediately, so that we may provide you with the appropriate care as soon as possible.” Being the good little citizen my daddy raised me to be, I dutifully (and somewhat sheepishly) told the ladies at the front desk that I was a walk-in patient, and experiencing flu-like symptoms. The receptionist cheerfully told me to wait one second; she returned with a paper surgeon-style mask and some Purelle, which I was obligated to use. *I usually don’t use Purelle because it makes my eczema go crazy.
Needless to say, the other patients in the waiting room shot me many a furtive glance over the next half-hour’s wait.
Those bastards also hacked, sneezed, broke out in cold sweats, and CLEARLY exhibited flu-like symptoms, but since none of them used the magical phrase upon walking in, I was the only idiot in the room wearing a mask.
Dishonest, fraudulent jerks.
Finally, a masked, gloved attendant whisked me off to the Fabulous Flu Room!
“I’m sorry,” she explained, “this room is kept a few degrees colder than the rest of the building.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” I replied amiably, “I’m dressed in five layers for just such an occasion. That, and the chance that the chills might come creeping back.”
We proceeded to the usual check ‘o’ the vitals, and then! A DOUBLE throat-culture, in which two swabs, held side-by-side, were introduced to my esophagus.
I suppose that here I should interject that when I was six, it took five RN’s, my mother, and a doctor to restrain me and obtain a throat sample. That’s how much I love this process.
Luckily, today my medical technician, Samantha, was awesome and let me take my own sample. Unfortunately the little buggers still had to go two-by-two. Then it was the flu test! This one she had to do herself, and we had the mutual joy of a swab jabbed repeatedly in one nostril, and the same swab jabbed thusly in the other nostril. It pretty much ruled. Then I waited alone (but for my throbbing sinus headache) for a good long while for some kind of result. I don’t think I have to tell you that every time someone knocked and talked to me through the door, and reminded me to be sure I was keeping my mask on, my anxiety went up about 3 more points. Finally, after about 20 minutes, my inner-self was saying, “Shit! I have the swine and I have obviously infected children at all three of the last schools I worked at. Shit!”
The doctor came in, sans test results, and did some of the usual flu check-up stuff, including banging on my face to see if my sinuses hurt. Yup. They hurt. Can I go home now?
No! We need to X-Ray your chest to make sure you don’t have pneumonia.
I appreciate that. Because you know who doesn’t want to die of walking pneumonia this year? Little old me.
Honestly, up until this point I was in pretty good spirits. I appreciated the effort being put into my diagnosis, and I respected the fact that these overworked and pretty obviously somewhat-terrified people were doing their jobs as quickly and efficiently as possible.
It was then, my friends, that I met the X-Ray technician.
The X-Ray room is about a quarter-mile from the Flu Room. Since this woman and I had about a five-minute walk together, I decided to make pleasant small-talk.
“It’s really great that you’re able to do X-Rays on site. I pretty much figured I was doomed to go to the ER after this.”
“Yeah, well, we only became an urgent care a few months ago. Before that we’ve always been job-related accidents and injuries, so we had to have the X-Rays.”
“Oh, I see.” ::shuffle shuffle. awkward silence:: Upon coming to the X-Ray room, she looks at me, as though for the first time and says,
“Dammit, didn’t they tell you to change out of your clothes?”
Bear in mind I just spent 5 MINUTES shuffling down the hallway with this lady. NOW YOU NOTICE THAT I AM WEARING CLOTHES.
“No ma’am, I just trusted that you’d have a gown here when you told me to follow you.”
“Well. I can’t let you change in another room, since you’re a flu patient. We have to take you back to the flu room so you can remove your bra.”
“Oh, it’s okay, I’m not wearing a bra. I have a camisole with no underwire.” (I had sort of anticipated they might want to check for pneumonia.)
Now, she gets really pissed, pretty much out of nowhere. She wheels around, and into my mask she says,
“You need to just do exactly what I say! I am taking you back to the flu room!”
She was old and mean for the rest of our time together. What a pleasant encounter.
Final diagnosis:
No swine.
No influenza.
No pneumonia.
Sinus infection, with some other sort of virus attached to it. No work for the next 5 days.
In other news, some tree-trimmers accidentally dropped a tree on my mom and dad’s brand-new front porch. Luckily, the guy’s brother is a carpenter, so by the time my parents got home (the tree trimmers came unexpectedly – don’t ask), the porch was already halfway repaired. And as my dad went to move his car out of said carpenter’s way, his car chug-a-lugged and died!
Apparently we collectively can’t catch a break.
But whatevs, I got to spend the majority of the afternoon playing Donkey Kong Country and Bubsy: Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind! So I can’t complain.
So life has been rad lately. It’s finally spring, work is pretty good (::knock on wood::) and things are moving right along. Unfortunately I’ve racked up some minor credit card debt due to the unforeseen dying of my car (a rat/mouse/squirrel had made a nest in the engine and eaten through the wiring harness!) but I’ve got a plan to hack through it. It’s the first time in my life that I’ll have to let the balance roll over from one month to the next…that makes me kind of sick-at-heart. I try to use my credit card like a cash-substitute, only spending money I know I have so that interest won’t build up. Technically I have enough in my savings right now that I could pay this off all at once, but that would pretty much wipe out my savings and that’s not an option in my mind. So, I have to suck it up and deal with my debts head-on. I shouldn’t beat myself up about it: it was money spent in an emergency situation, not some crazy infomercial shopping-spree or other craziness. I know it’s not entirely my fault, but it’s also not my fave.
In other news, the band is still stop-and-go. I’ve decided to record a few more demos this evening to try and hash out what I really want from the project, as far as sound goes. It’s just really frustrating. I’ve never really found anyone to collaborate with who inspires me to reach new musical heights (no offense to all the talented musicians I’ve worked with in the past! I love you all). Usually I wind up just resigning myself to arrange all the parts myself and teach other people how to play them. Honestly, it’s not very rewarding and it tends to fall flat because there’s no outsiders’ perspectives. I guess I’m just wishing for people who had the incentive/drive/lack-of-other-things-to-do to take time and make my original songs their own in some way. Pretty much everyone I’ve worked with before has said, “That song is great! What do you want me to do?” I miss Josh. He and I collaborated well together, we had some good chi or something. Damn it, Texas! Be closer to Maryland!
I’m not giving up hope on this. I refuse to. Just frustrated, as I have been for the past year or so. Now that I’m not in school anymore, it’s hard to find musicians, and I don’t want to settle on someone who doesn’t have the qualities I want just because they happen to play an instrument I’d like in the band and volunteered.
Whatever. Time to stop bitching and go make some music. Maybe I’ll figure out more of what I’m looking for.
So, tonight I was tooling around on YouTube. I love to do this. I got on ye Olde YouTube with the intention of dorking out to my favorite Korg Polysix demo (shut up, you love my nerdiness!), but the “Recommended for You” section offered a brief interview with Jason Bateman and Michael Cera together! “Sweet,” I thought, “I like those guys!”
Friends, how I wish I hadn’t looked upon what I saw.
The Interviewer was an “Access Hollywood’ type, and whatever, that jackassery is to be expected. But the interactions between Michael and Jason seemed really forced and awkward and I kind of hated it. But I only kind of hated it at that point, it was sort of confusing and I was soon distracted by the Interviewer saying, “So there’s a clip of you getting fired from the movie Knocked Up floating around; that must have been really embarrassing for you when that leaked.” Huh? Say what? That’s not something I’d heard of before…how strange. ”Well…it’s not that embarrassing,” replies Michael, “because I still think I was in the right.”
And then, Friends, I did what I know now was an unspeakably stupid act. I sought the clip on YouTube.
Yes, it was an ugly and bitter battle between director and actor. Katherine Heigl looked stunned the entire time, and the clip ends with her exclaiming, “Shit!” No one (save the extras and crew members) went unscathed. Oh, but the true horrors had only just begun. This clip was followed up with some informal footage/interviews shot by a crewmember of Superbad. The person who posted these clips wrote, “This is a great prank where everybody pretends to hate Michael Cera. I think it’s a prank. It has to be, I love Michael Cera! lol hilarious!”
Okay, listen: this footage? OBVIOUSLY NOT A PRANK. THIS IS 5 STRAIGHT MINUTES OF AWKWARD TENSION AND PEOPLE OUTRIGHT HATING MICHAEL CERA TO HIS FACE. You know that annoying person you work with/go to school with who is utterly neurotic and tries waaaay too hard to be everyone’s friend? And when that fails they go to the other extreme and act like they’re way too cool for everyone?
Yep. That would be Michael Cera. Several people tell him to fuck off. Several more use the phrase, “Don’t f**king touch me” (because apparently MC does not understand the concept of personal space), and one girl really, royally flips out on him in the worst possible way. One of the producers loathes him so much that she refuses to talk about him save to mention the fact that she will never work with him again.
As someone who loves both “Arrested Development” and (especially) Juno, I was really upset by all of this. A little heartbroken I would even say. I felt a little bit nauseous and like I needed a hug real bad. I decided to watch some interviews with Ellen Page, just hoping and praying there would be some lightness. Happily, I did find one interview where Ellen and Diablo Cody (screenwriter of Juno) have some really nice things to say about Michael. Maybe he was just awkward and immature during the Superbad/Knocked Up business. Maybe his working relationship with Judd Apatow was just so toxic that it ruined Cera’s relationship with the rest of the cast. I don’t know. I guess I shouldn’t speculate or make excuses. I still love Juno and AD, and will certainly continue to watch them, but the kind words from the lovely Juno ladies were kind of too little, too late. The metaphoric acid wash of the previous video was all over my mouth, jeans, and heart.
I did the only thing a girl can do.
I watched clips from “Flight of the Conchords” and snuggled kitties until the queasy-ness subsided.
Still waitin’ on that hug, though.
Other than that, life’s been really great! (::knock on wood::) I’m going to be marching in the NYC St. Patrick’s Day Parade on Tuesday with my brother Dan’s Pipe & Drum band (IBEW Local 164). If you watch the parade on TV, look for me! I’ll be striding down 5th Avenue…
Laters!
So today I found out that someone I went to high school with was shot and killed by police. This fact left me reeling, since Jake was one of the most laid-back and friendly people in my graduating class. This is someone I have gone to school with since I was five years old (and since our class only had 141 people in it, you can probably gather the degree of closeness we all shared after thirteen years together). Now, it’s no secret that Metuchen has its drug problems. And I was always reasonably sure in high school that Jake dallied in these practices, although I would not have thought him to be into anything hardcore (such as the heroin or coke that pervade so many of our tragedies in M-town). I’d also like to point out that this kid never even got in a fistfight at school all the years I knew him.
Granted, it’s been almost six years since we graduated. Probably about four or five since I last saw/talked to Jake. A lot could have happened in that time. According to local news reports, Jake got involved in a car chase, rammed his Jeep into a police cruiser repeatedly, and then brandished a knife at the two officers before being shot several times.
This does not make sense to me. That is not the behavior of the Jake Olson I know.
Another member of our graduating class was the E.M.T. who arrived at the scene and had to attempt to save Jake’s life.
But you know what makes less sense to me? The fact that the news article is attached to an endless stream of comments by ignorant troglodytes who have nothing better to do than make fucking cops-eat-donut jokes and say things like, “GOOD JOB OFFICERS! ANOTHER PIECE OF DIRT BITES THE DUST! I WOULDVE PUT ONE BETWEEN HIS EYES”
What the fuck.
First of all, what the hell sort of self-respecting news source has an open comment forum on the same goddamn page as a story like this? Family members and friends looking for more information on these tragic events get led to this site and can’t avoid seeing this rally of unrestrained cruelty. Seriously, the first two comments are right there: you don’t even have to scroll down to see them. You finish reading the article, and there they are. This couldn’t be hidden behind a link, reading optional?
Furthermore, what in God’s name is wrong with you people? You honestly have absolutely nothing better to do with your life than sit around and spew venomous insults at someone who died violently?! Get the fuck out of your mom’s basement, stop playing Madden ’97 and go talk to some other human beings. Oh, right, I realize now that this is probably impossible for you, since most people’s intelligence quotients are high enough that they don’t want to deal with an ignoramus such as yourself. My mistake.
Now I do understand that for people outside of the personal frame of reference, this may seem like some two-bit criminal with a death-wish lashed out at several civil servicemen and got what he deserved. Even if that is the case (and information such as autopsy results, etc. are still pending), that criminal was a human being. With a mother, father, older sister, and friends. Those people are still alive. They’ve committed no wrongs against you. Consider the magnitude of their trauma and their grief before you go ranting and raving about how putting a boot in yer ass is the American way.
Finally, I don’t appreciate being stigmatized as a “bleeding heart liberal” for asking for a little common courtesy for someone I cared about while he was alive. Even though the few forum comments I was unfortunate enough to read were not directed at me specifically (since I don’t post on that forum), I take offense nonetheless. Some people are really disgusting.
::endrant::
Always blogging on an empty stomach. If anyone who wasn’t my friend ever read this blog, they’d probably think I weighed 400 pounds, the way I’m always talking about food. But once, again, I’m hungry. So I’ll make this short.
Last night was the KG/MC Lars/MC Frontalot show at the Ottobar. I gave my experimental cookies to old and new friends and they were a hit. (Some people even ate TWO!) KG played a really fun set, which was just the tiniest bit bitter-sweet since it’s the last time they’ll play in the area for a few months. Now I’m faced with a conundrum: do I start going to other local shows, knowing it probably won’t be as good or fun, or do I finish one of my ten half-finished hobbies instead? Or both? To be determined.
However, it was a night of unpleasant odors. There was a kid near me all through the KG set that smelled HORRIBLE. Like BO mixed with the crotch of a dead person. I am not exaggerating. AT ALL. Anyway, this Odiferous Ollie kept creeping closer and closer to me throughout the whole dance party, to the point where I couldn’t see Aaron and could hardly breathe (luckily that was pretty much the last song). I didn’t want to move because if I did I could no longer see Mandy-Pants. But I lived to tell the tale, that’s what matters.
Then it was a Mario Karty (yeah that’s right, I mashed up Kart and Party!) with Aaron and Marty! Oh the fun times. Our nerdiness even got a shoutout from some white rappers. I accidentally walked into the men’s room (AWKWARD) and then had my second dose of unpleasant odor happenings: someone in the bathroom had food poisoning or a tapeworm* or something. As soon as I entered the adjacent stall, I was wishing I had a WWI-issue gas mask. It was, in a word, brutal. And to make matters worse, I kept thinking I smelled whiffs of “Eau du Toilette” (a.k.a. poo) all evening, so I’m pretty sure it followed me out. UGH.
But I did get the chance to have some beers with Mandy and Greg, eat some rock-hard frozen chocolate bars, eat Chipotle, and laugh at the insane length of the white rappers’ sets and the large-and-in-charge female grinding the stair bannister and having fake orgasms. (Because at that point, really what could we do but laugh?) All in all, I call it an evening well-spent.
I’ve decided to make this the ultimate in lazy day-ery since the weather is crummy and I “partied like a rockstar” last night. This means almost everything I do today will be done from bed.** Yay! Embrace the inner slug!
*Tapeworms do not actually give you diarrhea.
**Obviously, if I decide to shower I will have to go to the bathroom for that.
I’m totally in a rut.
Pretty sure it’s the result of being stuck in the house all the time, but it’s aggravating just the same. There’s a hundred things I could do, but I find myself succumbing to the lifestyle of a slug. Actually, that might be an insult to slugs. I mean at least they roam around putting goo on things and having hermaphroditic sex and eating people’s plants. I just waste time on the Internet or tinkering around on my various keyboards (without actually writing or recording anything, mind you) and yesterday I read Interview With The Vampire almost in its entirety. I feel like I should be doing things, finishing half-done projects and tying up loose ends and calling up friends I haven’t talked to in forever.
But instead I just sit.
It’s an ugly rutting rut.
So I’m sorry that I haven’t been blogging much. (I’ve thought about it almost everyday, but then I would rather take a nap or look at grainy YouTube footage of keyboards I want.) I’m still alive. Resigned from Baltimore County Public Schools so I can concentrate on getting healthy and figuring out where I want to go with my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that I jumped into career-dom a little too fast; like so many things, it seemed like what I wanted at the time, and it looked really great on paper. Don’t get me wrong: I love my students, and I loved teaching. But I chose a really difficult school to teach at from an administrative standpoint (basically, everyone is in over their heads and freaking out half the time), and I had no way of knowing just how terribly overwhelming that would be until I became mired in it.
Public schools right now: not where I really want to be. The government is in your classroom all the time and everyone (including the students) is so focused on the almighty State Testing that it’s tough to actually teach the content. So I will likely shy away from that and explore either private or online schools. The pay-cut will be substantial, but ultimately it’s a better situation for now. I hope things will change in the future, but at this moment that’s what I feel is right for me to do.
Additionally, I can’t get better physically while stuck in the limbo of “Will I or Won’t I Go Back.” That question is full of immense pressure and disappointment. With the endless cacophony of pros and cons swirling around in my head, it’s nearly impossible to concentrate on the present and the most important task in front of me right now, which is simply Get Better. My department chair has been a little less than understanding/sympathetic about this. I’m trying to bear in mind that she’s overwhelmed and that this makes her life difficult, but it’s hard not to get mad when she starts throwing out phrases such as “professional responsibility.”
Would you like to see unprofessional, lady? Would you like a taste of something irresponsible?! Because I am sick and cranky and I have had just about enough of giving all of myself away for you so you can take your “professional responsibility” and shove it.
(Figured I’d get that out here, so it won’t come out elsewhere. (O; )
So anyway, I’ve got some more doctor’s visits scheduled and hopefully pretty soon I can start leaving the house by myself and walking around and maybe even (dare I say it!) driving places!! But I’m trying not to get my hopes up.
Apologies for the whiny nature of this post. I’m a grump today.
xoxo
I’m totally in a rut.
Pretty sure it’s the result of being stuck in the house all the time, but it’s aggravating just the same. There’s a hundred things I could do, but I find myself succumbing to the lifestyle of a slug. Actually, that might be an insult to slugs. I mean at least they roam around putting goo on things and having hermaphroditic sex and eating people’s plants. I just waste time on the Internet or tinkering around on my various keyboards (without actually writing or recording anything, mind you) and yesterday I read Interview With The Vampire almost in its entirety. I feel like I should be doing things, finishing half-done projects and tying up loose ends and calling up friends I haven’t talked to in forever.
But instead I just sit.
It’s an ugly rutting rut.
So I’m sorry that I haven’t been blogging much. (I’ve thought about it almost everyday, but then I would rather take a nap or look at grainy YouTube footage of keyboards I want.) I’m still alive. Resigned from Baltimore County Public Schools so I can concentrate on getting healthy and figuring out where I want to go with my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that I jumped into career-dom a little too fast; like so many things, it seemed like what I wanted at the time, and it looked really great on paper. Don’t get me wrong: I love my students, and I loved teaching. But I chose a really difficult school to teach at from an administrative standpoint (basically, everyone is in over their heads and freaking out half the time), and I had no way of knowing just how terribly overwhelming that would be until I became mired in it.
Public schools right now: not where I really want to be. The government is in your classroom all the time and everyone (including the students) is so focused on the almighty State Testing that it’s tough to actually teach the content. So I will likely shy away from that and explore either private or online schools. The pay-cut will be substantial, but ultimately it’s a better situation for now. I hope things will change in the future, but at this moment that’s what I feel is right for me to do.
Additionally, I can’t get better physically while stuck in the limbo of “Will I or Won’t I Go Back.” That question is full of immense pressure and disappointment. With the endless cacophony of pros and cons swirling around in my head, it’s nearly impossible to concentrate on the present and the most important task in front of me right now, which is simply Get Better. My department chair has been a little less than understanding/sympathetic about this. I’m trying to bear in mind that she’s overwhelmed and that this makes her life difficult, but it’s hard not to get mad when she starts throwing out phrases such as “professional responsibility.”
Would you like to see unprofessional, lady? Would you like a taste of something irresponsible?! Because I am sick and cranky and I have had just about enough of giving all of myself away for you so you can take your “professional responsibility” and shove it.
(Figured I’d get that out here, so it won’t come out elsewhere. (O; )
So anyway, I’ve got some more doctor’s visits scheduled and hopefully pretty soon I can start leaving the house by myself and walking around and maybe even (dare I say it!) driving places!! But I’m trying not to get my hopes up.
Apologies for the whiny nature of this post. I’m a grump today.
xoxo
It’s been a weird week. Spent the better part of three days in the hospital after two fainting spells. I’m apparently really healthy. As in, they didn’t find anything wrong!! Which is both really great, because who wants something to be wrong with them, but also really frustrating since I spent lots of hours getting jabbed with needles and sent through big machines and there’s still no quantifiable reason why my body just decided to pass out for a while.
The sad part is, it was so much better than going to work. I really hate my job. There are days when I like it, and times when I love my students, but for the most part I really hate the idea of going to that place for eight or more hours everyday. I dread it in the morning, I dread it while I’m there, I dread going back once I finally get to come home. I’m just always on edge, nothing ever seems to be enough (for the administration or the students or the parents) and it really bums me out. I was so looking forward to being a teacher for about ten years there. I still think there might be hope if the school was better, or maybe in a private school where they’ve never even heard of the frigging HSA…I find myself, sadly, a little more attracted to the idea of sticking to the curriculum guide and “giving them what they want” and collecting my paycheck every other Friday. Maybe this is why I’m having mysterious health problems. (Although the ten different doctors I saw over the past few days said that was inconclusive.)
I kind of just keep thinking, “Why did I do this to myself? And how the hell do I get myself out?!” I don’t really want to quit, because you know I would have no job and I would be breaking my contract and all that mess. But the thought of going there each day is so damn depressing. It even casts an ugly shadow over the weekends. And as much as I appreciate all of the encouragement and support I get from loved ones telling me, “It will get better! You can do it!!” (and I really do!) it’s hard for my embittered heart to accept these sentiments from people who have absolutely no idea what it’s like to walk into Hell everyday, plaster a smile on your face, and try to teach biology while everyone from your boss’s boss to your students is trying to get in your way.
I just keep thinking that I should have made more of an effort at music or acting or something I love and am good at. On the other hand, I love the crap out of biology, and I like to think I’m good at it. But I’m really tired of crying and feeling nauseous and angry, too. It’s very discouraging to realize that it’s only October and you have to fight your way through to June 18th. I imagine myself quitting everyday. I should have taken more time off between school and my career. Or maybe I took too much time and lost my momentum. I have no idea what I’m doing or where I should be going with my life.
Maybe I should go to church more. (Like, at all.)
My chest hurts. I’m cranky. It’s raining. BOO. At least it’s Halloween soon. I LOVE Halloween. And I have a really great life, outside of school/work. (Don’t even get me started about Towson, that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.) Right now it’s just hard to see the light sometimes.
Sorry for the lengthy rant. Just had to get it out I s’pose.
xo
